Hello, world! A blog hallucinates and gets weird

I once saw an ultrarunner plow into a ponderosa pine in broad daylight and then, as he lay in mud half-asleep and bleeding from not a few ugly cuts and abrasions, profanely relate each and every one of his failures in life to a woodpecker that didn’t exist. It was funny and also kind of sad. What’s not funny is my new blog, RunSlaphappy, although I expect there are those who will find it kind of sad.

RunSlaphappy runs on a content management system called WordPress which is, I’ve discovered, wired for just the sort of lunacy that leads to hallucination and weird conversations. But unlike an ultrarunner WordPress doesn’t need hours of physical exertion and sleep deprivation to arrive at this state. No, WordPress is ready to go, now. Crazed right out of the box, it storms the internet with a hysterical “Hello world!” post addressing all of tarnation as follows:

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start writing!

Clearly WordPress is seeing a different reality than I am because that is not my first post. I did not write it and I don’t want to say hello to anyone in particular, much less the world. If that was my post the title would have been “Don’t talk to me” and the body as follows:

Please leave WordPress. This is not your place. Get up, then start walking away.

Of course, maybe WordPress knows it’s nuts and is broadcasting its “Hello world!” message in the hope that someone will look kindly on its helpless position and then carry its broken system home, where it can pass out in safety. But if that were the case the title should have been something like “Help world!” with the body as follows:

I am WordPress. This is me seeing weird shit. Purple Jesus, then smart lemmings!

The unreliable narrator in me says WordPress might be faking the whole thing with this “Hello world!” nonsense, but I try not to listen to that guy. I think it’s clear that WordPress really is a barely self-conscious CMS probably off petting nyancats in some lost wilderness corner of the web while I’m here trying to make a blog happen.

I can see right through you, WordPress. So thanks. Thanks for reminding me how much I hate running and blogging. RunSlaphappy is barely away from the race start and already you’re hallucinating and I’m writing myself into a corner. So much for the finish line.

I didn’t hallucinate myself busted up in the mud cussing at a bird 24 hours into a really bad race and not learn a thing or two. And that right there, folks, is my actual first post.


Leave a Reply